The house was quiet with sleep as I glanced at my clock. The numbers read 2:00 in bright white against the stark darkness of the room. I listened to the faint purring of my cat snuggled up against my left hip as I lay in bed wide awake.
Try as I might, I could not clear my mind of the scene from earlier that day that played on repeat in my head.
Earlier that day I had one of those parenting moments. The one that leaves you feeling raw and wretched, where you feel like you are the worst person in the world. The one that embarrasses you to think about, and yet you can’t stop seeing it over and over again in your mind.
The image of that morning continued to play through my head over the next two days, and with that so did my anxiety about other aspects of my life. A fellow mom who didn’t respond to a text and another who didn’t reply to an e-mail both had me questioning my likeability as a person and wondering why I hadn’t made very many close mom friends since having Eve. Soon the doubts about my business and my ability to succeed too began to infiltrate my mind.
I felt myself spiraling into a wave of negative thoughts and feelings.
Image by Seyed Mostafa Zamani
It left me feeling lonely, sad, and incapable of many of my roles in life that make me who I am: mom, friend, entrepreneur.
On Saturday, two days after that morning that had set off that spiral, I woke up feeling anxious from my emotions and the lack of sleep that often accompanies me in these moments. As Sam and Eve played in her room, her laughter spilling down the halls filling our condo until it reached me in my studio, I packed up my equipment for a day at the metalsmithing studio.
I was looking forward to a day to myself, a day to immerse myself in my work and surround myself with creative energy.
I needed it. I needed a break from parenting and taking care of another person, from constant cleaning and picking up an endless trail of toys that extend throughout our little condo. A break from cooking meals, from planning and thinking about what’s coming next and making decisions.
As I walked toward the metalsmithing studio, chatter and the soft crunch of metal being sawed filled my ears. I was welcomed with warm hellos and smiles from my fellow studio mates. I settled into my space and unpacked my gear, and got to work.
Within a matter of minutes, a calm settled over me as I fell into my groove. Forming, sawing, filing, cutting, soldering, sanding, hammering, designing.
As the heat from the torch melted the solder on each ring, so did my anxiety.
Image from Deposit Photos
In that space where I was fully immersed in my creativity, it was as if I had pushed a reset button. All the worries, the sadness, the loneliness, the images that would not leave my head, flowed right out of me.
I gained a sense of clarity:
I am capable of succeeding (and will)
I am likable (and I have plenty of people who love me and enjoy my company)
I am a good mom (and my daughter knows how much I love her)
This is in response to this week’s Finish the Sentence Friday prompt: “If I only had…” hosted by Kristi from Finding Ninee and Diedre of Deirdre’s Daily Dose. It’s a bit of stretch, but I went with “If I only had…time for my creative outlets, I would be more zen.”
Whenever I feel like this, if I seclude myself just for a bit and let my creative juices flow, I am truly able to feel better for the most part and definitely more grounded if nothing else, as well 🙂
It’s amazing how grounding it can be to give ourselves the space to allow our creative juices to flow!
Thank you for sharing your 2 am thoughts. Know that you are not the only one questioning your worth when a text or email is late or never arrives. Isn’t that insane? But we are women. I loved reading along as you found your zen in your creativity. I think that’s why I keep blogging/writing myself.
I know, it’s crazy how we let our minds spiral like that (as it turns out, one of the women for some reason didn’t get my e-mail).
This zen space is certainly a big reason why I keep blogging as well!
So glad that you have your craft, Bev, and that it gave you back your zen. I for one know you’re very likable. Those mom moments are hard though, I tell ya. So hard…
Why thank you, Kristi 😀
Yes, those mom moments really are tough. I have to remind myself all.the.time that I’m not the only one who has them.
Ah, I love this. And I love the posts that this prompt have.. prompted. Brilliant.
I get caught in the spiraling with unanswered texts and emails myself. I find it strange that it seems to happen at once, and then the floodgates open, and you hear from everyone all at once. Life is funny that way.
So glad you have your zone! Your zen.
I know, it really does happen that way, and then you’re like “What was I even worrying about?”
Boy do I know that anxiety spiral! You describe it well. We all need some creative outlet — really, something to pull us out of our minds and into our intuition. It sounds like you have a beautiful way to do that. So cool!
Yes, I love how you put that “something to pull us out of our minds and into our intuition”. It’s important to have something that allows us to just be instead of worrying and (over)thinking.
Every word you have written here, my mind has spiraled in the same direction. Who am I? Replaying the events while not sleeping. Looking forward to a moment where I can be me. You will succeed. You are likable and worthy of friendship. And the fact you are worrying shows you are a loving mom. This was beautifully written and so relatable. <3 Much love.
Oh, thank you so much for those kind words! I find that reminding myself that I even worry and think about how I am as a mom and think about what I could have done differently is a good sign.
Oh Bev.. This is my absolute FAVORITE post I’ve read of yours. SO beautifully written, my friend. Sharing everywhere!
Oh, Chris, that really means to much to me! I think this is one of my favorite posts as well. <3
I can totally relate to this! That questioning of my likability if somebody doesn’t return an email or I hear about a gathering I wasn’t included in or the other moms on one of my kid’s soccer teams all knowing each other somehow. Good grief–I thought that stuff was supposed to end after high school. I’m reasonable enough to be able to work through it eventually and realize it’s totally not how things are. I have lots of people in my life who love me and get me, and I just need to know I’m not going to fit in everywhere and that everybody deals with those feelings. We all have those places, like your studio, where we feel completely ourselves, and it’s so important to find time to go to those spaces. That’s where we replenish and restore, so that we can share our gifts with the world. This was soooooo wonderful. Loved it in every way.
Seriously, you’d think we’d be done with that type of worry at this point in our lives!
I’m like you, over time I can work through it and realize I’m overreacting. And truthfully, there are certain people I don’t need in my life, and better to know if someone doesn’t want me in theirs so I don’t have to waste my time 😀
It’s so neat to read about a blogger having these feelings about another craft besides writing. That is my writing experience but I can’t say that there’s any other thing I do gives me that feeling. I like coloring and putting puzzles together but nothing that really gives me a reset button feeling.
Yeah, for me the blogging is honestly my secondary creative outlet. I started it as a way to promote my jewelry, and then fell in love with it. Though writing still doesn’t come as naturally to me as other forms of creativity.
I love this and I love getting lost in a project. Truly is zen. For me, outside of writing, it’s pictures. I find an immense amount of clarity, relaxation, and ease in editing pictures. I only wish I had more time to get away some days.
I really like editing pictures as well! Especially when I’m making Pinnable images. I love the design aspect of it.
I keep saying my kids suck the creativity out of me. It’s important to have a place kid free to be creative. I don’t usually have that except when they are in school. But I do love getting lost in my projects. It keeps me sane.
It’s so therapeutic to get lost in our projects when we can.
This is nice, I haven’t done anything creatively as of late and I really need some zen in my life. I should look for a craft project to make.
I hope you find something creative to bring you some zen!
First off, beautiful writing, Bev!! This read like a story I know and one I’d read over and over again because happy ending. 🙂
XOXO
P.S. I’ll be there for you… 🙂
Aw, thank you, friend!