I don’t know if it’s a thing, but if it is, I have winter nesting. I liken it to the week before I had Eve where all I wanted to do was hang out in my bed, cozy beneath the blanket, and binge watch shows on Netflix or curl up with a good novel. I’ve been just been feeling super tired this week, and it’s been seriously hard to be productive. I don’t even think I can blame it on blogging fatigue or the weather (as we’ve had a mixture of unseasonably warm days and some very sunny ones). Maybe it’s the mental and physical drain of doing holiday shows, and in-person and online sales not meeting my expectations.
Or maybe it’s Eve’s constant energy. That girl is my daughter. From the moment she wakes up until I put her down for her nap or bed for the evening, she is going. She’s still only crawling, but somehow getting into all the things she isn’t suppose to be. What is it with babies and honing in on exactly what they shouldn’t be? Last night I walked in on her going through her clothing draws. I said in my stern mama voice “Eve, you are not supposed to be playing with your clothes.” She stopped what she was doing and looked at me. I swear I could see the understanding on her face, the slight guilt on her fact that she was doing something she wasn’t supposed to be and the knowledge that she was caught red-handed.
I’d like to think I have a good amount of energy, but not exactly a spring chicken. With each passing year I see a little more signs of aging. My knees creak a little when I squat and stand up. (Aren’t I too young for this?) My bed time seems to be every so slightly creeping forward. I’ve been averaging going to bed this week at 9:30. 9:30! What am I, 86? (No offense to 86-year-olds.)
Sometimes I worry that when I have my next child my energy will have dwindled even further. How do people keep up with their kids? I’ve never been one to nap when Eve does, but sometimes I think I should start!
But alas, I have work to do. Self-imposed work, of course. Sometimes I resent myself for trying to work while being home with Eve. Sometimes I envy my fellow stay-at-home moms who are focused on being moms and whose attention isn’t being diverted by trying to also make an income.
This week I updated my bookkeeping and it made me want to cry. I start to wonder what I’m doing wrong to question myself. I wonder if all this work has been for nothing. Maybe I should have spent this year focused on being a mom instead of trying to juggle it with running a still new business.
I’m determined to make it work, but there is only so much in my control. I can only wait and hope that all my hard work will have paid off this year and I can justify the time I have put into it.
Sorry to be such a downer and a bit rambly, but these are the thoughts running through my sleepy mind. And sometimes you just need to get the negative feelings out to start to feel positive again.
What keeps you going when you’re feeling bummed and unmotivated?